fly awake

A bit piecemeal, but here goes:

Dream (12/30/09):  I’m sitting in some sparse, wintery woods with a couple other people. We’re hiding. Some people are coming through the woods to get us. I am sewing poetry along the collar of a dress I designed (rusty red thread on a cream collar). It’s the start of a poem I’ve been working on. “Like as…” it begins.  I sense the people are getting closer. One of my comrades and I run away through the woods. We get round to the other side and I jump off the path into the thick just before they shoot him with a rifle. The enemies back off, and I step onto the path to see him. He’s dead, but a wolf with a hunchback comes to me from his body. I say, “Oh, good, you can help lead me to safety.”  The wolf seems uncertain of this. He’s thinking about going back to the place where I was sewing. I don’t think that’s safe. We run back on the path that led us to the shooting.  The poem keeps running though my mind. I keep thinking of it and working on it. Going all the way back doesn’t feel safe. At one point on the edge of the the woods  the path meets up with the back of someone’s dirty gold ranch house with chain link fence and dog. I think we can get through without the dog hearing us and attacking. I look at the wolf and scoot through the fence and make it through the driveway into the town. The town is old. All the architecture is 1800’s. I touch the curvy molding on a shop, it’s freshly painted–red and white. We run through the streets. My running is fast, but on some level I know I am dreaming and could just be gliding through the air. I run and run and run until I cross the train tracks and get to a motel. I go inside my room, still afraid that someone is after me. I crash on the polyester covered bed.  I wake after hours and am surprised to see the door ajar (not very safe of me). I go and close it and turn around to see that David has slipped through the door and is sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. He’s a bit hunched over. He reminds me of the wolf in his expression.

Wake: Here I am hiding in the woods from all the people I think are after me, crafting clothing and writing poetry. In the place I love doing all the things I love, only problem is that there are too many people and not enough woods. The poem reminds me of Shakespeare’s sonnet 118–starts off, “Like as, to make our appetites more keen…”–confession and getting sick off of preventative medicine (cathartic purging that seems downright sick). The wolf comes when my friend dies.  I think of him as a guide, but he doesn’t really guide me; we do go together. The gold house is very like a house in my childhood neighborhood. The kind of house that has been neglected for 20 years, and has a sketchy/dangerous vibe, bull dogs, etc. I associate the era of the old town with simpler times, which is appealing, although in the dream there wasn’t much feeling about it, just relief at so many fewer things to interface with maybe–no cars, computers, no people on the streets, etc. A motel is the logical place to hide. David…well, I just found out that my friend’s husband, David, joined the circus when he was younger. This changed the way I think about him. The circus reminds me of wolf people (loners in a pack). The expression of the wolf and David don’t really remind me of David. The woods remind me of the woods in Iowa that we used to live by. David and Dee are in Iowa. It’s almost like seeing this side of David makes me think twice about going back to Iowa. I am running from people and memories from Iowa in the waking time, though I yearn to be back in Hickory Hill Park. Dee sent me a Hickory Hill Calendar along with this exciting info about David. I look forward to hear the circus story some day.

Dream (1/1/10): I’m in a dark hall, with a bunch of people, we’re in line to see my Guru–Shri Dhyanyogi. When I am in front of the Guru, he tells me to draw an Om on my third eye. I am surprised that I remember how to do it–it’s in reddish orange ink. I go into a very deep meditation. I can hardly will myself to move. Guruji talks to the crowd, while I am sitting in front of him in my state. I am aware enough that I am blocking traffic, even though I really shouldn’t worry, just meditate. I eventually move to the side, which breaks my meditation. I think of poetry. I hear, “just write the Truth“. I also wonder about my meditations being not so great, and I hear, “soon”.

Wake: Poetry again, I think of my the falcon poem that I wrote for my Guru, but also of my Fly Awake installation that was meant to be poem-like in its construction. A poem you could walk into and feel, between the text and imagery I created. The dream seems like a reminder to organize my art in this way, while working aligned to the highest Truth. Also gives reassurance that my meditations, which haven’t been the best, will become infused with light again. A Day or so before these dreams, I smoked some Calea and asked for help with my art. With Calea I am not surprised to find dreams coming up long after the physical interaction.

Wake: Wow! Maybe I’ll smudge my apartment just to be on the safe side.  This dream was pretty awesome. I use sage and other smudges from time to time. I’ve read they remove negative ions from the air–with proper cross ventilation :). Rather than simply removing the negative spirit, it allowed me to see the problem and eventually release it. Sage is used medicinally for people in their later years–post menopause/post andropause (the spirit was old and gray). Reminding the spirit of God, by mentioning oneness, however inadvertantly, finally sent the spirit back to the soul.

I often wonder about the closeness of city living and apartment living. I wonder about all the people and spirits that have been their and are there, and how it affects us to be close.

I have a beautiful sage plant on my front porch of our apartment building that seems unhappy out there–perhaps it’s the abundant moisture and chillyness of Portland in the fall, or maybe some nasty spirits. I think it is time to bring it inside.

Dream: I keep turning, facing the different directions. East South West North…I face them and feel their domain: Air, Fire, Water, Earth. I find a brown satchel and open it. It has wands in it. There are three groups. The top row is one of the groups, I look at the two groups that make up the bottom row. One group of wands is made from seems to be made from vegetables, some are withered from drying out. The other group of wands are made from the woods of two different plants each. Underneath this set, it says “for herbalist/healers”. One of these wands is part Agrimony and part friend. Funny, I didn’t remember agrimony having a woody part. I start making my own wands on these models. I wonder how exactly I will be able to make the two woods join seamlessly.

Wake: Agrimony makes me think of work issues.* It seems like most people I work with are frustrated with their jobs, me too.  I took some agrimony flower essence and kept the bottle in my pocket all day at work. Things seemed to go better, and there was more friendliness too.

Dream: I am thinking about the directions. I am in the summer of my life. When I die I hope it will be like falling asleep, where I feel my senses peeling back from the blackness and inner peace. I remember that feeling. I hope that it is peaceful.

Wake: I was so exhausted last night, I could hardly think. I was aware as I fell asleep. That familiar feeling of letting go, where the senses become dimmer and the quiet and stillness envelope. When you are aware of that moment you have to make the choice to let go. Letting go of control and awareness. It is such a precious transition. It reminds me of death. In the dream I remembered the exact feeling of falling into asleep.

East Air Spring Youth

South Fire Summer Adulthood

West Water Autumn Aging

North Earth Winter Death

—————-

*Incidently the dream job I got this summer did not work out. Within a couple weeks it was obvious that I was in a difficult situation. It seemed so weird that it wouldn’t work out, after all the dreams. But within a couple months I quit and went back to my old job, where they were happy to have me. I was perplexed by this for a long time. Finally I had a dream about it. The dream showed that, while it looked like a spell that brought the job, it was just a coincidence that the agrimony,etc happened at the same time that I got that job. This made me feel less confused, but I am still working through all my employment issues, etc.

Ceanothus, Red Root, Lilac Bush, Oregon Tea Tree, Jersey Tea

Dream: My friends have made an art installation in my honor/on my behalf. They put it together in the dank unfinished basement room behind the bar I’m sitting in. There is a party going on for the show. A band is playing–they are the new up and coming girl band–they are an unexpected surprise. I’m holding a beer and I talk with a girl. I’ve met her before and I thought she was cool. She likes me and she writes her phone number on a tiny photo booth sticker and gives it to me with a smile. I’m excited about it. I think of her as “the cutest girl in the world”. They’re bringing out the pieces of the show at just the right moment. The show is an art installation, but it is also subversive, perhaps anarchist–it’s a trick for the people, a good trick, designed to make people feel better, to uplift them out of their ways. I like this strategy. I walk away from the girl, looking for the artists. There are a lot of people around me. It’s like a house party. She follows behind me. I see my friends, she is behind me. I make some mention of Kevin so that she’ll know I am not single.

Wake: This dream brings to mind the book I just finished: Brida, by Coelho. There is a pagan sabbath. It’s a huge party. Everyone must enjoy themselves so that the energy is very positive and uplifted, and in the midst of this is a spiritual initiation. This is a different attitude about art/spirituality for me. I am a little too serious perhaps. To bring the spirit into a party atmosphere is certainly an idea to explore.
Yesterday I took Red Root (Ceanothus) for the first time. Ceanothus is good for stagnant lymph and spleen, clearing meridians and melancholy–ie lack of creative inspiration, inability to think one’s way out of a problem. I took it because of a dream. Before sleeping, a couple weeks ago, I asked what would help balance the energy in my body, because my left side is deficient (signs of health weakness appear on my left side for the most part).

Dream: I am at a fair, similar to a craft fair. There is lots to see and lots of people around. I go up to a shaman who doesn’t have much on his table, just a few fliers. He tells me to take Red Root. I say, “oh, like oregon grape?” (for some reason they are filed together in my mind). He smiles at me and says, “Red root.” He seems very nice. I step back and head to the next table, only to realize that I need to go back to the end of a long line. There wasn’t much of a line for him, but for the crafts, the lines are very long.

Wake: In the book Brida has to over come some of her fears and hang ups. I was walking along thinking about the book and somehow I got to thinking about my name and how girly it is. I don’t feel girly. I more girly now than I ever have been, but still feel masculine and distant in many ways. “Lily”–what was my mother thinking? But then I thought, what if I really am girly? Kevin always calls me “the cutest girl in the world,” but I have a hard time seeing things from his perspective. I realize that I really shy away from that energy as a way of protecting myself. That means shying away from my left/female side.

It took a while for me to get my hands on the red root. Then, I ended up with three bottles, due to mysterious order mix ups. Cosmic or coincidence–whoknows? In this dream my friends make art come out of the dank dark places and show me how to get in touch with “the cutest girl in the world”. I woke up feeling totally inspired for the first time in ages. Some seriousness has lifted too–I think I forgot that you can’t think your way through art, you have to go for it. So, thank you ceanothus, I very much look forward to knowing you better.

It has been a long time since my last post–time has slipped away from me, I guess. The time in between has been filled with some intense changes. Here is a story about lots of herbs, especially Agrimony, pregnancy and dolphins.

A year or so ago I read about agrimony in Matthew Wood’s Book of Herbal Wisdom I thought it might be a good remedy for me. Among other things it’s a good remedy for people who feeling trapped in a situation, or people feel tortured (physically or otherwise), but hide behind a cheery face. It is particularly helpful in work situations that meet the above description.  Agrimony tends to cause changes, for example, losing your job if it’s not the right one for you. Because I felt so trapped in a job that didn’t feel right for me, I was afraid to take agrimony! I needed my job and was afraid of changes that agrimony might bring.

3/30 Dream

There are two blue plastic dolls that are meant to be together. I rub them together like sex. From the female doll’s plastic slit, I pull a lotto scratch ticket.  I am disappointed that I am not pulling a baby out, but I am intrigued by this ticket. The ticket has dolphin stickers on it and, depending on the way that you scratch the ticket, determines your new job. The dolphins make me wonder if the job is in Orlando.

4/22 Wake

I discover that I am pregnant. This is totally awesome, because I have we’ve been trying to get pregnant for so long. At the same time I am deathly afraid/tortured by the thought that it might not work out. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 4-5 years. I start craving raspberries and red raspberry leaf tea like crazy, but I’m tired and I can’t seem to get my hands on either. I’d been taking sumac, cooked rehmannia root and lady’s mantle, all of which really seemed to be improving my health.

4/29 Wake

I see an interesting posting on Craigslist for a job at a clinic that promote a healthy plant based diet lifestyle. Very intrigue, I apply.

4/30 Wake

At only 6 weeks I get tests back from the doctor showing that the pregnancy is not progressing well and I might miscarry.

5/1 Wake

I come to my herb class with Matthew Wood and ask him for his help. One of the herbs he recommends is agrimony. This seems so appropriate and ironic, seeing how I had shied away from this herb for so long. I feeling tortured by the way Western medicine often gives you knowledge of what is wrong with you, but no way to help the problem. Oy vey! While agrimony might have seemed to Wood to be a solution to the an acute problem, I knew that it would be quite transformative. With the pregnancy, and at work, I had been hiding what I was going through, my fears and discomfort were hidden behind cheery smiles.

I went home that night and immediately started bleeding, but instead of normal blood, it is a small amount of blood with lots of clear secretions.

5/1 Dream

Everyone thinks I bled on the pillow, but it came from the soaked cooked rehmannia root I’m holding onto. I try to tell them. But they don’t seem to understand.

5/2 Wake

Cooked rehmannia was something that I had been taking for my anemia. It helps anemia by increasing progesterone. When you prepare the root as a tea, you pull the root out of the water and it drips like old reddish brown blood.  I talked to Matthew Wood about the dream and he thought that perhaps my progesterone was too high and that was in part responsible for the pending miscarriage.

I am not bleeding enough yet that I am totally hopeless, so I look into ways to prevent miscarriage. Turns out that, just like my body wanted, red raspberry leaf is an excellent miscarriage preventative, (as well as a great general women’s tonic), and is also good for excess clear secretions (more often related to running fluids in colds, but in my case it applied to my bleeding). Lady’s Mantle has also stopped early miscarriages. I actually had some Lady’s Mantle, so I did as the success story I had heard told. I prepared a very strong tea and placed the wet leaves on my foreams. I meditated on the plant and my situation.

5/2 Meditation (Lady’s Mantle)

The dose of Lady’s Mantle is so strong, I immediately hear a list of female situations that alchemilla helps with. I ask about my pregnancy though, and response is not hopeful. I feel very soothed and comforted, as lady’s mantle is so good at doing for women. In the end I get the same response to my pregnancy question a couple times: Take St. John’s Wort.

While this was not good news it was practical. In the end I miscarried, but with the help of St. John’s Wort and the comfort of Lady’s Mantle I felt it went as best as it possibly could. I rode the emotional roller coaster that would be expected, but I was able to recognize that a lot of the suffering was chemical.

Back to agrimony and my dream at the beginning, there is a silver lining to this story.

5/10 Dream–Mother’s Day and my late grandmother’s birthday (she was my most comforting relation)

Mistletoe. I’ve been wanting to learn more about it, a guest lecturer comes to talk on the subject. She’s staying with Scott, or she know’s him best. She’ll give an exclusive lecture. She might have some to sell too. She will not tell how to gather the plant. She wants to the knowledge kept secret. The event is expensive and may be sold out. I see the baskets of necrotic looking mistletoe berries that she’s gathered, but I don’t want them–I want to gather my own. This all takes place in a bookstore like Barnes and Noble.

She leaves Scott’s house on the edge of town. I can tell because he’s setting her six rolled-up acrylic carpets carpets out in the middle of the road, near where she’ll wait for her ride. The are set in a row, at a slight angle to the yellow lines. At first I think they will leave together. But Scott’s not going. I ask him for information about the Mistletoe. Scott and I have gone inside and are on the couch now. He starts to tell me a little but he’s holding back.

I wake up and try to tell the dream and what I’ve learned about Mistletoe to everyone I see. I also repeat it to myself, trying to remember.

Wake

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of mistletoe is that it is an abortifacient.  Even though I just finished miscarrying, I thought perhaps there are some lingering products of conception. I don’t really feel this to be the case. Still I feel there is a message I need to receive from mistletoe. It takes a couple days but I manage to track some down. When I took it, I immediately felt soothed and comforted. I felt like I could release. I read about mistletoe and discover, that in addition to it’s rep as an abortifacient, (maybe the nastier side of the plant), it is also used for loss of a loved one (human or pet), emotional pain, nervous tension, and accepting defeat. This is such a sweet side of the plant, I really felt healed after this experience.

Meanwhile, I had a couple interviews with this awesome veggie health clinic job. The whole thing seemed almost surreal, everything was going really well and just seemed like it had to work out. I recognized this feeling from other areas of my life, but not jobs interviews which have never been something I excelled at. I had been feeling the influence of Agrimony strongly over the last couple weeks. It had become difficult and undesirable for me to hide my feelings. In some situations this was unwelcome, like situation where I normally poured all my energy into protecting and supporting others. But, in the case of this job it was very helpful to have a side of myself that I normally keep separate from my work self come through–my creative/dreamy side. One big unknown, was pay. It hadn’t been discussed. Finally, the night before my third interview I had the following dream.

5/26 Dream

I see a series of big block numbers on large cards, the numbers go up like a calender would go down, in rows, climbing to about 30. Some numbers have pics, or someone holding them. But my eyes are moved quickly upwards as I hear, “Pay attention the last question”. My eyes stop right before the numbers run out. Here we have a monkey in a shriner hat holding a big card with a bold “28″ and dolphin on it.

5/26 Wake

I had been trying to figure out this pay thing, what was too much, too little, etc. But basically my mind had been too busy with this and everything else going on in my life to receive an answer to my query. Finally something clear enough I could understand. I also immediately remembered the dolphin in my dream from March, and was very excited about that.

I go to the interview, armed with my best weapon against any possibility that things could go awry: vegan cupcakes. They discuss many things with me, making sure I really know what the job is about. Finally she says, “I just have one last question…” (and it sounds so dreamlike) …and the question is pay. Well it’s kind of an uncomfortable topic, but I am prepared with the answer, so after some brief hesitation, I get it out: 28?

My interviewers breath a collective sigh of relief as they look at each other. “Good because that is what we wanted to offer you.” I love it when everyone’s happy.

Tee hee. How nice to be part of a dream that ends well. While I didn’t get my baby wish yet, I did get my silver lining new job/dolphin/lotto ticket.

Dream: I’m kneeling on a small side porch with another lady. The wood is golden and the yard is full and green. A young boy lays before me. He has died. A man walks up to us, we tell he has died. Just as we say this he comes to.

Inside the house is as large as the porch is small. There are wood beams made from the same golden wood. The boy is running around inside now.

There are huge room dividers–8′ to 10′ tall and 10′ to 12′ wide–they are wooden frames with many windows that have glass blocks hanging in them. The dividers are on wheels and the blocks swing when they are moved. There is one with colored glass (purples and reds) and one with clear glass with different textures–like swimming pool glass bricks. I move them because they are meant to be moved and am surprised when the wall doesn’t fall over. I had a feeling it was going to fall over. The boy moves the same wall back towards me a bit, but he is rough and it does fall over. I note that this was what I had thought would happen.

I walk outside now. It is more shadowy and woodsy now, feels like fall.

One of three witches comes up to me–she asks me to join them, smiling. I had been looking for that, but now I am with the people at the house. I glance back in that direction. They aren’t focusing our energy together as the witches would, but we work well together. I am happy with them now.

She says again that they’d like me to join them, but I have to give up my asshole. They all have, she says, they’ve had asshole-ectomies, if you will, and are no worse for it.

Several questions/thoughts come to mind:

a.) Give up my asshole–wtf?

b.) Isn’t it a little hard to hold your shit in without an anal sphincter?

“We’re all free flowing with our shit,” and raises her arms and shakes her hips softly side to side as she says this.

c.) I wonder if they are really talking about my butt tension (I have a tendency to hold tension there), because of the way she shook her hips gently as she said that–so relaxed!

(All the witches have round hips and butts, a little plump, but it is clear (somehow), even through their skirts, that they have no assholes.)

d.) “What do you do?” I ask.

They say together that they have a river that runs through their house. “We get our answers there, but not just that–we get our answers everywhere,” they say, and smile together. I can see the river that runs through their house in my minds eye. It is filled with clean rolls of toilet paper and paper towels.

e.) Clean toilet paper rolls in the water–a little perplexing…is this what our processed water is these days?

f.) I totally relate to “getting the visions anywhere”, and this makes me happy to hear it from them.

g.) The cabin, a little dark wood sided thing, that stands behind them, is up off the ground a couple feet, reminds me of the trailer to be.

h.) I have to think about whether I want to get rid of my asshole at this point–the idea is a little confusing to me.

I walk away with my hands in my front pockets.

A woman comes up to me directly. She asks for help with a personal problem she is having. The light here is sunnier and warm. I start to guide her to the place where we will talk. (I think of the crystal and wish that I had it with me to help see.) Before we get there, she says “this is all I see and shows me an image of a muddy pool with something at the bottom. I say, “This is all you see?” It seems like a lot to me.

I dive into the pool. In the backgound I hear the witches, a bit jealous, wishing they could do what I was doing right now–seeing into the dream water. The crystal is with me, without out being in my hand. The water is clearer underneath the surface. I swim down to the broken car at the bottom. There are several male barbies tied to the wreckage with a rope. (I see people as barbies often in this dreamspace–the dreamspace of others). I don’t know if the man that has been physically hurting her is dead with, or has killed these people, but I know he is no longer an issue to her. I swim up and tell her that she is safe now.

Wake: I’d been having some nightmares and trouble sleeping the last couple nights. So, before going to bed, I thought about my dream skills, and pictured myself in the middle of the directions/elements, and feeling their energy. I wasn’t even really thinking about it being the fall equinox, because I always think of it as on the 23rd of Sept, my birthday, as it was the year I was born.

This dream is full of exciting stuff. The young boy dies–is this the first half of the year coming to a close? Aries, the young boy/mars energy pretending to pass away–but still making mischief–while the female, venus energy is more dominant?

The witches seem like the other corners of the compass. I had been looking for them, but had forgotten.

The dream trailer pops up twice. I am reminded of it in the witches cabin, and it is the place that I would lead the woman who asks for my help to.

This dream was such an exciting dream to have the morning of my birthday. Fall is the time of the West–the setting sun–also in line with dreams, crystals, visions, water and emotions.

Asshole: Well, this one was a little confusing to me. I talked with Kevin and I think he was spot-on, when he suggested that this had to do with the root lock. The root lock is a certain way to tightening the anal sphincter that pushes the spiritual energy upwards. Or, to say that my spiritual path, which is all about sending the energy upwards, would need to be relaxed to allow both directions of energy flow. By letting this go, the energy is able to freely flow in and out through both the top of the head (crown) and root chakras. This would seem to allow for channeling to happen without the energy “sticking” to you–or holding on to the energy/information coming from outside. Also, it can be more easily grounding–which would be helpful in working with healing, like with the woman in the dream.

This last month has been full of amazing, wonderful happenings: getting married, hanging out with the deer on our honeymoon, and, before all that, facing one of my biggest fears: getting too hot.

I went to a sweat lodge for women at Breitenbush. Actually, this started when I was playing the Game of Real Life (which I highly recommend), and people were surprised that I would rather take a walk on a Fall day than face my fears. I started to wonder about this myself, so when this sweat lodge opportunity came up, I decided to go for it.

The morning of the sweat, I woke up from a dream where there was water and phlegm and tears pouring out of my face and this was good because there had been some stuff blocking my throat and this was releasing it. On waking this dream seemed so very unrealistic, never would that much fluid be coming out of my body in waking time. Ha! That was pretty much exactly how the sweat was–instant fluid expulsion–in a good, unfightable way.

The lodge was made out of sticks and wool blankets. We crawled into the tent like we were returning to the womb. The elements were honored throughout the ceremony. For about two hours water was poured on rocks that were glowing with heat.

During the first five minutes I was pretty sure that death was a realistic possibility when faced with this much heat. Frequently I was not sure whether it would actually be safe to breath. But, actually I survived!!! During the sweat there were times when the doors were opened and I got chilly and actually wanted to heat up again.

At one point during the ceremony the women all spoke their prayers for the day and it was clear that everyone was going through a lot of tough stuff in their lives. Afterwards, when we came out, I could see the energy going up the central path (spine-ish) in the women, and could see how strong these women were despite their struggles, or perhaps because of what they were facing.

Another thing that happened during the sweat was seeing brown bear, (adult this time), and brown bear swiping at my face with his big paws, as if to wake me up (like in this dream).

It is time to wake up from the dream I am in.

I’ll get back to you on that.

Dream:

I have finally met my mother and father, and now they are going to die. Well, “you’ve finally met us, and now we are going to die.” I am a little sad about this, I like them, I’d gotten attached already.

There are holes in the wood floors of the attic we’re in. They are under the carpet, I wonder where they are. The hole is big, maybe 18″ x 18″. I can see the image of it, but it is under some carpet, under a piece of furniture. The Mother and Father hold each other in a classic photogenic embrace. They are getting rid of stuff, in preparation for their death. There are three pianos. They will get rid of the super nice one, it is too expensive to take care of. I am sitting at the not-so-fancy one, playing. It is coming apart at the seems a bit, but I like it better, it has more personality. Really, I only wanted to keep the “nice/fancy” one because of its assumed value.

I am a bit worried about the future, with them leaving me. My mother deals me a tarot reading. She deals all the cards into face-up piles of four. When she has dealt all the cards there are some piles with only three. To these she adds random photographs. She tells me, “Pick your favorite card from each pile and bring it into your life.”

Wake:

I’m not sure yet about the mom and dad…perhaps my own parents, the Earth and Sun (my New Year’s resolution was to recognize that the Earth is my true mother, the Sun my true father) or perhaps the idea going part-time at work and losing my benefits. The other day I was talking to my mother about how her parents prepared for their death by cleaning their house, and today is my late Grandmother’s birthday.

I really enjoyed my tarot reading. I have a love/hate relationship with tarot. I often use it when I am worried about the future. Because when we are anxious we forget our answers are within. I forget that the future is mutable and instead get caught up in the most negative aspects of what I see. In this tarot reading, I remember that I am co-creating the future. When I get to pick the best from each pile of four, suddenly there are so many positive options.

Dream:
I’m taking pictures down near St. John’s in a more nature filled area of Portland. I am in someone’s driveway to get the shot, so I am being a little furtive, even though I am doing nothing wrong. I have taken some pictures of trees, and now I am shooting the side of this brown house, there are vines and many living things there. I review some of the tree pictures. They are not right so I delete them.
I see a lizard that is rounded and looks like burnished metal (a dark gray color). He is eating beetles. He is very rounded and happy. His tongue lolls out (it is pink and fleshy) as he grabs new beetles and eats them with relish. He is a happy metal lizard. I take one picture where he is looking up at me. It is the cutest thing ever. It is too cute for art–so I try to take another. He moves around too fast, so I can’t capture him.

The lady of the house peeks out the screen door, then goes back in. I move into the backyard to take pictures of a glowingly chartreuse lizard. This lizard is so vibrant–like the moss out here. He is very fleshy for a lizard, not having the reptilian gauntness. As I am going to take the picture, the man of the house comes out to chat. I am distracted when he turns to shoo away a mountain lion that is passing in front of the driveway. I am so very surprised to see a mountain lion here. This cougar looks dulled–not his normal killer self. Also his fur is not gleaming, it is ruffed up near his haunches. Instead of being in command of the scene, he is easily cowed and moves on slowly when the man tells him to go.

When the mountain lion leaves I notice that across the street, sitting on the porch of a large old house, are two men dresses up like the cougar. Not normal cougars but cougars that look a little bedraggled. Hmmm…I wonder what that is about.

I walk with the man a little further into the yard. He is friendly and conversational. Bats start flying into the yard and around us. I am surprised to see them in the day light. One lays near my feet and plays dead. I wonder if this is because of the light–but, no, as the other bats continue to fly. I can see this bat on the ground so clearly. His skin is soft and beautiful on his belly–a creamy color. His wings are a slight gray/brown and seem to be physical but then spread out even further in a translucent way. I stare at him for a while. Then I start to get nervous about all the bats flying around. I ask the man, “Are they safe?” I think they are, but I have been conditioned to worry about such things.

I notice mosquitoes coming out of the ground. I don’t like mosquitoes, so I start to move away. Two bite me on my feet. They each bite my feet at almost the same time, in the spot where my acupuncturist always goes. Right on the inner edge in the middle of the fleshy part.

I am not pleased by the stings and the other mosquitoes around me, but overall I am so thrilled by my experience, and all the nature that is present.

Wake:

Wow, lots of imagery, lots of animal messages.

Trees, vines, two fat atypical lizards, the bedraggled cougar and the wannabe bedraggled cougars, bats playing dead, mosquitoes rising from the earth to stimulate my acupuncture points.

All the people and animals I interact with are friendly. (Not quite sure about the bedraggled cougar wannabes yet.) However the animals all seem to have less edge than they normally do. The normally gaunt lizards are chunky, the normally proud and dynamic cougar is dull and unkempt, the bat, aka master of rebirth, is playing dead. The mosquitoes seem to be the only ones that still have any spunk left in them. Although I am surprised to not have been stung more.

I was wondering what it meant when my acupuncturist said that my yang was low. Well, I think this dream sums it up. My dreamer self is quiet and lazy (lizard), my mountain lion (a main totem for me) is barely functioning in its normal strength, drive and leadership, and my ever present urge to transform and let my old self die (bat) is apparently taking a siesta. The creativity is happening, but not very effectively. Also, beetles being eaten by the metal lizard: beetle are fertility symbols–this bastard of a lazy lizard is eating my fertility? I am dreaming/manifesting my own inability to get pregnant. But how to stop the dream cycle?What gives? How does the yang come back? Come back yang!

The day or two before this dream I took some nettle tea (stinging nettle). Nettle is excellent at stimulating organs that are playing dead (like my thyroid). Perhaps this dream is a thumbs up to nettle. Thanks nettle, and thank you to the wonderful dream world.

Before I went to sleep I asked the crystal to show me a more gentle way of working with it. I also asked for it to share with me more about how it works and how it makes people lighter (as it did in my last dream).
Dream: I am helping dead people. They are dead people who don’t know they are dead yet, or perhaps they have a strong suspicion but they know that if they admit it, they will be giving up even the illusion of their body. I am given an assignment, which is a picture of the person (how they appear energetically) and what I am to do for them. With each person (assignment) the idea is basically the same. They come to me, we interact, during the interaction I bring them to their happiest memories, while they are in this state of happiness I somehow facilitate their leaving their body. At that point they have totally released their physical body and it is a much better state for the soul to be in.

This process helps many people.

One assignment is for a man–his picture is of an albino deer with a mouth and eyes that close and open like a fish’s mouth. He reminds me of a peacock that I have seen. When I see him “in the flesh” he is more man-looking, but with pale blue green peacock feathers, these grow out of him and he plays with them nervously. He avoids me, even while he stands in front of me. He leaves without our interaction taking place.

I go on to my next assignment which involves taking the woman back to the happiness that came during the ultrasound of her pregnant belly. Before this happens, I see the man again. He is still avoiding me, although this time I see him as he appeared while human. He is skinny, with a thin frame and short dark blond hair. He wears a zip jacket and pants. He was a scientist. He is young. I talk to him about how if we do our thing together then he will be able to go to the meeting. (He is standing outside the room where the meeting is being held, as though he wants to go in. Several people are entering the room.) He says “If I do that then I will really be dead.”

Wake:

This dream left me feeling very good, even though “assistance from the body” wasn’t able to happen for the last guy. It seems very weird to say I did anything to help people let go. It just seemed like I was there for another force to work through. Something very subtle.

Perhaps the crystal can be used to help in the process of death, to lighten souls and return them to their unformed state. I think this dream also was informed by a conversation I had with Kevin yesterday about the heart as a reality generating device.

We’ve had many discussions about the mind as a reality generating device, i.e. lucid dreaming while waking and asleep–imagine it to be so and it will be way more likely to happen. Kevin had heard something about how you can imagine that the thing you manifest has already happened, visualize this, but then feel how you would in that reality. According to his source, the heart-mind working together has more success than just the mind.

In the dream the heart was the way to release people from their fear of death/loosing the body. When people die in our country is their a lack of care for the heart? It seems so cold when people die in the hospital, but who am I to say. The man in the dream reminds me of a patient I worked with last time I was at the hospital. He was young and so sick, and had been sick for most of his life. He seemed very distant from his heart. In the dream it is almost as though the man says “If I feel what it feels to be really alive, then I will really die.”

In the hospital I often try to figure out what makes people happy (i.e. kids, hobbies) to distract them from what I am doing, (which they usually do not like, but have to deal with). With this man, I was unable to connect, he was so sick and so withdrawn from his body. I wasn’t worried about not connecting when I left the room, but I was concerned for him. I see so many people everyday–this has been a gift that has taught me how very differently people deal with the stress of illness. I often find our medical system to be strange. I am much more a fan of natural medicine, heart centered approaches, and empowering the patient. These seem deficient in our hospitals, but every unique person that works at the hospital has the opportunity to bring these things to the patient. Perhaps working with the crystal has helped me and could help me to do more in this area.